The "Big" Ultrasound

Today I get my nuchal translucent ultrasound. I’m super excited. It’s been four weeks since I’ve seen my baby!
This is the one where they test for downs syndrome and measure the fetus to determine the exact due date. I’m aware that there could be something wrong, that perhaps I shouldn’t be referring to Peanut as my baby just yet.
But I can’t help feeling excitement. It’s like a loved one returning home from a trip abroad. I’m waiting at the airport, and the anticipation of seeing him/her is growing as the minutes tick away.
First trimester is almost over and I feel fantastic.

A selfish lifestyle

Some days I just don’t want to be pregnant anymore. The end of this week marks the end of the first trimester. All I can think of is how much longer I have to go. All the books and websites say it should get better in the second trimester. That my libido will come back, that I’ll stop being nauseous, that I’ll regain some energy.

When? WHEN?

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Continuing the previous blog, although my father claims to be okay with the fact that I won’t be getting married, he would like us to have a big, fat, fake wedding.
He wants some sort of ceremony, (he suggested a Hindu one), to please the elders and the religious fanatics in the family. He says it doesn’t have to be a legal marriage, just a religious one.

Ridiculous.

Considering the fact that I’m an atheist, and my boyfriend is not Indian, going through the motions all the while rolling my eyes is just not going to happen. I told my father that he could just give me the money he would have spent on this charade.

I won’t get married just to please other people. If it happens, it will be on our terms.

I don’t understand how people can go through their whole lives just trying to please others. I’m just too selfish to live this way. This may be a negative trait, but I can’t imagine the kind of person I’d be if I didn’t carve out my own path.

A coworker friend mentioned that perhaps I should have never left the firm. Then I’d have health insurance and paid maternity leave and a job to come back to. Yes, this is true. I perhaps might have still met my boyfriend, as the circumstances surrounding our meeting were not extraordinary. I’d have job security.

But I would have never stepped out of my comfort zone. I would have never wondered a strange and foreign country. I would have never experienced the kind of freedom that comes from living life on your own terms.

I am ready for the life ahead. I am ready for motherhood, ready for a steady relationship with the father of my child(ren). And I can look ahead without any regrets, without any desire to do things differently.

Brooklyn, we go hard

I moved this weekend. After much debate and deliberation, my boyfriend and I rented a large one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. I didn’t contribute much to the actual move, just a little packing. And I moved some throw pillows. 😉 Right now most of the apartment is still in boxes. Working a full day takes a lot out of me, not to mention the longer commute. I get home, eat, and crash. My boyfriend’s been doing most of everything, but that’s the trade-off for him getting me to move to Brooklyn. I’m hoping to get it all done this weekend.

A few weeks ago I told my parents about the pregnancy. My parents live in the same house, and are legally married, but do not speak to each other and sleep in separate bedrooms. Much of this is due to my mother’s inability to move past the past. I thought it would be only fair for me to tell them together.

Ha. I underestimated my mother yet again. She got offended that I didn’t tell her first, and alone. She, of course, made it all about her. Just as I predicted, she didn’t even ask me how far along I was, or who the father was, or anything even remotely related to the baby, until the next day. She instead spent the next few hours talking about herself and about how she’s going to be viewed by her family, and about how much of a non-relationship we have. I listened to her until she got tired of talking.

I expected all this to go exactly the way it went. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me. She called the next day, calmer at first, but that quickly changed into the same song and dance. This time I was less patient and lost my temper. That was the last time we spoke.

I will eventually speak to her again, but it won’t be for a few more weeks. I’m waiting until my second trimester. These next couple of weeks are critical, and I don’t want to be stressed out by my mother.

My father took the news like I knew he would. He’s happy at the prospect of being a granddad. I told him that we weren’t planning on getting married anytime soon, and he seemed fine with that.

Seemed being the operative word.

…to be continued.

Non-entry

I need to write more. I need to start reading again. Life is just too hectic to do either. I feel so boxed in, with no outlet for all that’s going on, both physically and mentally. So many changes. It’s hard to find a moment to breathe.

Things I need to write about:
Telling the parents
Marriage
My belly
Moving
Domestic partnership
Getaway

Soon, soon, I hope.

Ten weeks and counting…

Reflection

I’m back to my normal self, save the nausea. The moodiness is gone. This has got to be how depression feels. When I’m out of it I reflect back and wonder why I give little things so much power, and why I get so out of control. When I’m in it though, I have little regard for anything else besides my own feelings. Everything makes me miserable.

This behavior reminds me of my mom at her worst. I’ve been thinking a lot about her, and I’m beginning to understand more and more her behavior and the way she is. Maybe there is hope for a relationship between us after all.

Normalcy

I get moody every Thursday and Friday.
I’ve become clingy.
I’m so attached to my boyfriend that it scares me.
I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I don’t know what will help.
I know the feeling will pass. It usually does. They say the second trimester is mood-free. I can’t wait.

These days, I just want normalcy. He’s house-sitting at a wonderful penthouse apartment in Dumbo. The plan was for me to stay there with him. I’ve been there since Tuesday and I hate it. I hate the lumpy bed. I hate not being able to make myself a decent meal. The owner is an architect with old world taste. He has a nice kitchen but no modern appliances. He has no non-stick pans. No kitchen utensils.

So obviously I need to go back to my apartment, where I’m comfortable, where I feel at home. It’s what’s best for me and peanut. I’m making myself miserable because I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to sleep without him for the next ten days.

I’m a hot mess.

My Baby Daddy

I’m dreading the “Why aren’t you getting married?” questions that will come from every angle. Family, co-workers, random people on the street. One part of me just wants to stick a silver band on my ring finger and avoid the questions all together. What’s the difference? I’m not trying to trap him. I know he’ll be there. We are building a life together, we just aren’t legally bound to each other. A piece of paper won’t make us but it might break us. It will create a pressure that somehow we HAVE to be together forever. I want us to be together because we want to, not for any other reason.

Things are great with us. We spend ALOT of time together. He’s planning on moving into my apartment at the end of this month. We will live there for a few months then move into a bigger space. My lease isn’t up until December but I live on the fifth floor of a walk-up so I’ll have Dr. Pepper write a note saying that it’s become medically impossible for me to walk up all those stairs. Right now the debate is over where to live. I naturally prefer Queens, because it’s what I know and where all my family lives. For this same reason, he prefers Brooklyn.

Physically, I feel good. The mood swings are becoming less frequent, and I don’t get nauseous anymore unless I go long periods without eating. I gained another pound, but that’s probably from the red meat/carb overload this weekend.

Fatigue

I’m definitely pregnant. I have the ultrasound photo to prove it. My due date is early October. We visited the OB/GYN on Wednesday. He’s great, and really made me feel at ease. Lets call him Dr. Pepper. He didn’t charge for the visit, and didn’t do any tests. When I go back in two weeks (when my insurance coverage begins) all the blood work and whatever else that needs to be done will be done. I’ve started taking prenatal vitamins and fish oil capsules.

I’ve gained two pounds. It’s all water weight and all in my belly. And I’m tired all the time. So far, that’s the most annoying part of the pregnancy. I have cancelled afterwork plans multiple times this week because I was just too tired to do anything but go home and go to sleep. I also have lame excuses for my friends since they don’t know about the pregnancy as yet. They must think I’m such a flake.

I’m also still dealing with mood swings. I try to “reason” myself out of them though, telling myself that I’m not really mad/sad, that it’s just a symptom. Thankfully, this passes relatively quickly.
The nausea hasn’t been too bad either. To keep it at bay, I need to eat every few hours. My fridge is now stocked with lots of fruit, veggies, milk and yogurt. I get a wave of nausea when taking the vitamins in the morning, but that passes after five minutes, and I haven’t yet thrown up. [knock on wood.]

My Pregnancy for Dummies book (recommended my Dr. Pepper) says that the fatigue, mood swings and nausea will go away at the second trimester. Yay! I can’t wait to be less tired again!

Today I’m telling one of my closest friends. She’s been away and we haven’t seen each other for about a month, which is rare for us. I’m excited to see her reaction, especially since she’s always warning me about the dangers of the “pull-out” method. I believe it was early January that we joked about me already being pregnant and having a Virgo baby. Hehe.

Fears

I don’t quite know how to put my feelings into words. I’m so scared of losing it. It’s so soon. My boyfriend and I are still trying to figure everything out. He told his mother today. She wasn’t pleased. She doesn’t think we are financially stable enough to have a child.
It’s not perfect, but it feels right. I’m 28. He’s 35. It’s time. But every once in a while I wonder if we are both crazy. This is a total lifestyle change.
How will it affect our relationship? We did everything quickly. We met, and it was such an instant connection that we didn’t wait the customary three days to call, or wait to see each other. From the beginning the chemistry was so palpable, that it was (almost) love at first sight.
So it makes sense that this would be fast as well. The pace of our relationship is just different from what is considered “normal.”

Everything is just so new. We are not telling anyone else. Only one person (yes you!) knows about this blog. Two of my girlfriends know. His mother and his best friend know. I want to keep it that way for now.

I see a doctor next Wednesday. One of my boyfriend’s client is an OB/GYN and he has agreed to see me even without insurance, and won’t charge us. He said that he would take whatever insurance we get. That’s a huge weight off my chest.

I just can’t deal with negativity from other people right now. I just need to believe that what I’m am choosing for myself is right without other people’s opinions clouding my outlook. This is why I am not telling my mother as yet. I have no idea how she will react. I don’t want to deal with it right now.

I just want to be healthy. These are the most crucial months. Anything could happen.