How to be alone

I am rarely ever alone anymore. I watched this video and felt a pang of envy. And this feeling reassures me that if anything were to happen to shatter my perfect world, I’d be okay.

Weight

The heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into new heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness? – Milan Kundera

S left for Thailand this morning and I feel like I’m missing something. That’s the only way to describe it. It’s strrange not being able to communicate with him. Even when we are apart, we are constantly texting and calling each other. I miss sending him silly texts about the trivial stuff. At the moment he’s been in the air for seven hours, and will be for another 10. I knew I’d miss him, but I didn’t think it would be this extensive. I thought baby Z would be a distracttion. But there’s no distraction from the fact that our little family is missing a major component.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being talks about choosing a life of lightness or weight. There used to be a time when I didn’t know which direction I wanted my life to go. I felt truly weightless a few years ago, when I left it all behind and fit everything I needed in a backpack. Now, I am weighed down. The responsibilities, the bills, the car, the relationship, the kid. These are all welcome burdens. I feel connected.

Maybe that will change. Nothing is infinite. We are continuously reincarnating ourselves, changing directions, changing plans. But right now, in this moment, I am so grateful for this burden.

Let Go

I hope I remember this 18 years from now.

I believe that the one job parents have is to teach their children how to be self-sufficient. If you can do that well, then you have succeeded. You teach them the difference between right and wrong, you enable them to learn about the world and its ways. You teach them the simple skills and send them off to learn about the more complicated skills. You expand their minds.

Then you let them go and hope that they make wise decisions.

The letting go part was the step my mom wasn’t the best at. She was wonderful at making sure that I got the best education possible. She made sure I had an innate sense of what’s right vs. what’s not. But she wasn’t able to let me go make my own decisions, to be confident that I would be able to handle those tough choices on my own. The thing is, if you do your job well as a parent, then you need to have the confidence in your abilities. You need to let go.

I woke up thinking of this parallel with the religious ones of the world. The thing is, if you believe that God created you, that’s fine. But I think that you should also recognize that maybe God created you, then left you on this earth to make your own decisions. One thing I absolutely abhor are those who refuse to help themselves because they think that God will take care of it all. I think the whole point of the human race is to just live and let live. Just like a parent would like his child to succeed on his own, maybe God as a creator would like you, as a member of the human race to do it on your own, instead of calling out his name every five minutes.

A selfish lifestyle

Some days I just don’t want to be pregnant anymore. The end of this week marks the end of the first trimester. All I can think of is how much longer I have to go. All the books and websites say it should get better in the second trimester. That my libido will come back, that I’ll stop being nauseous, that I’ll regain some energy.

When? WHEN?

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Continuing the previous blog, although my father claims to be okay with the fact that I won’t be getting married, he would like us to have a big, fat, fake wedding.
He wants some sort of ceremony, (he suggested a Hindu one), to please the elders and the religious fanatics in the family. He says it doesn’t have to be a legal marriage, just a religious one.

Ridiculous.

Considering the fact that I’m an atheist, and my boyfriend is not Indian, going through the motions all the while rolling my eyes is just not going to happen. I told my father that he could just give me the money he would have spent on this charade.

I won’t get married just to please other people. If it happens, it will be on our terms.

I don’t understand how people can go through their whole lives just trying to please others. I’m just too selfish to live this way. This may be a negative trait, but I can’t imagine the kind of person I’d be if I didn’t carve out my own path.

A coworker friend mentioned that perhaps I should have never left the firm. Then I’d have health insurance and paid maternity leave and a job to come back to. Yes, this is true. I perhaps might have still met my boyfriend, as the circumstances surrounding our meeting were not extraordinary. I’d have job security.

But I would have never stepped out of my comfort zone. I would have never wondered a strange and foreign country. I would have never experienced the kind of freedom that comes from living life on your own terms.

I am ready for the life ahead. I am ready for motherhood, ready for a steady relationship with the father of my child(ren). And I can look ahead without any regrets, without any desire to do things differently.

Reflection

I’m back to my normal self, save the nausea. The moodiness is gone. This has got to be how depression feels. When I’m out of it I reflect back and wonder why I give little things so much power, and why I get so out of control. When I’m in it though, I have little regard for anything else besides my own feelings. Everything makes me miserable.

This behavior reminds me of my mom at her worst. I’ve been thinking a lot about her, and I’m beginning to understand more and more her behavior and the way she is. Maybe there is hope for a relationship between us after all.

How it (could have) happened

Early on in my relationship my boyfriend and I discussed birth control methods. He had been using the “pull-out” method for 12 years and had never gotten any of his previous girlfriends pregnant. With a record like that who could argue, especially since I did not want to go back on the Pill.
I told him that this method was fine, but if I ever got pregnant, he would be a father. I am pro-choice, but I know I’d never be able to live with myself if I got pregnant and didn’t keep the baby. Especially not at age 28.
I’m mentally ready for children. With my current boyfriend. That’s why I didn’t object. I know that if I did not want to get pregnant, I would have chosen a safer birth control method.
I realize now that I never wanted to have children with my previous boyfriend, whom I dated for four years. If ever there was a possibilities I’d get pregnant, I would get morning after pills. I took no chances.
Of course the timing is anything but ideal. I have only known my boyfriend for two months. I don’t have health insurance and make too much to qualify for public health insurance. My job is ending soon.
But I have a sense that this is right, that this is how it’s supposed to happen. Maybe this was where my journey meant to take me. There are no mis-steps in life.