The dream

At the moment I’m meant to be experimenting with writing consciously. Writing with specific subject matter in mind, writing with a purpose. The way they taught you to do it in junior high. But I suppose one more stream of consciousness post won’t hurt.

Baby is asleep, will be waking up from his daily two hour nap any moment now. I am supposed to use this time diligently, but I ended up wasting it on the usual internet crap. i.e. Facebook, Hulu. I am still without a job. But I’d like to think that I’ve gone further mentally. I’ve at least thought about what I want my future to look like.

I spoke with the head of the education department at a local college. I toyed with the idea of getting a masters degree in middle school math. I more that toyed with it. The only thing stopping me at this time is (1) MONEY, (2) a few undergrad math classes. I am 10 credits short from completing the prerequisite math requirement for the masters program. The irony is that I have already completed the most difficult class: Calculus. Three classes in Math will be a breeze. If the nice people at FAFSA would loan me the funds, I’ll be taking those classes in the Fall. And quite possible start the Masters program in the Spring. I am waiting.

In the meanwhile, we are poor. I have to figure out a way to stop our credit card balance from increasing every month. This burden is keeping me from fully embracing going back to school. It’s hard to even think about taking out student loans when you are already in debt. Perhaps I should think more like an American. Isn’t debt the American way? I should think of it as an investment.

By the way, the thing that mainly draws me to teaching, besides the rewarding experience of actually teaching? Summers off. My family and I can spend summers backpacking. My baby will have awesome “How I spent my summer” essays to read in front of the class.

This dream pushes me forward.

How to be alone

I am rarely ever alone anymore. I watched this video and felt a pang of envy. And this feeling reassures me that if anything were to happen to shatter my perfect world, I’d be okay.

07/03/2010

Apparently I need to have a job to blog regularly. Well that’s not happening anytime soon. I’m far too busy enjoying the summer with my family. The bills are slowing increasing, but are not yet at an amount we can’t handle. I happen to like being unemployed, and having a partner who hardly works. We have no money, but we have free time, and all the love in the world.

Seven years ago when I graduated college I had a $20K debt, 90% student loans. Certainly not a lot by today’s standards, but not an amount I was comfortable with. I worked my ass off and paid it off. Now, my our debt is around $5k. You know what? I’m okay with that. I’m ok with not being able to take lavish vacations, because we are still able to take mini road trips, and day trips. So far this summer we’ve been wine tasting in Long Island, picnicking in Governors Island, beach-bumming in the Hamptons, swimming in Albany, and other activities I can’t think of at the moment. We’ve done most of these during the weekdays, when it’s less crowded, and all of these with the baby in tow. Eventually there will be a job. I know this can’t go on. But for now I’m just enjoying my lazy days.

Freedom

So much for attempting to write daily. My four day weekend happened and I was much too busy to blog about the things making me busy. I’m at work at the moment, with nothing to do. My last day at this temp job is tomorrow and honestly, I’m happy for the time off. More than anything, I value my freedom.

This past weekend FH and I drove three hours north, to my old college town, home of a former college roomate and dear friend. She has a daughter who is three weeks younger than my son. At some point driving up I looked over to FH and to my son napping in the back seat and said, “I love our life together.”

And I really do. We are so fortunate to have found each other. We are not the same people, by far. But we balance each other out, and we share a passion for living life. We don’t have the money to spend on lavish vacations but we are able to take small trips and to make the most of all that New York City has to offer.

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Been also thinking about work. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to get another temporary gig. That way I could earn a bit, then have time off after it’s over. In doing so I can get exposure to other industries, which could be a step closer to figuring out what I want to do with myself. When I grow up.

Party in the potty, in the potty!

Yesterday I imported all of my previous blog’s posts into this blog. I can’t believe how easy it was, especially since my previous blog wasn’t on WordPress. It even imported all the tags (called categories here) and comments! I’m officially a fan of WordPress.

Today is day three of my attempt to blog daily. So far, so good, although I’m not sure if I’ll be as successful going forward. I have the next four days off, and I blog mainly at work. FH doesn’t know about this blog. Yet. I have managed to keep it semi-private. A few random friends know about it, but for the most part, it’s anonymous.

This morning, my son pooped in the potty. You can read about my views on early potty training here. We have been putting him on the potty once a day (while one of us is on the toilet ourselves) for the past two weeks. He’s been peeing in the potty once a day for the past 2 weeks. Today was the first time he went number 2. At some point soon (tomorrow?), FH and I will start putting him on a few times a day, and hopefully he’ll start getting used to eliminating in the potty and not in his diaper.

Let me just emphasize that we are in no way forcing him. He gets a big hug and lots of kisses if he goes in the potty, but if he doesn’t, it’s not a big deal. We are using the same training method that would be done on an older child, just at a younger age. He is still in disposable diapers. We would love to switch to cloth, but we don’t have access to a washer/dryer so that makes it difficult. This is our humble attempt to reduce the number of diapers that end up in landfills.

I am so proud of my little man. And I am thrilled to have a partner by my side who shares my views. Since FH takes care of Z while I’m at work, it’s important that he’s on board with this whole early potty training exercise. I love that he’s open to every unconventional idea I throw at him.

Next up, the bottle vs. sippy cup debate.

Moving on up?

So that job I interviewed for, the one I wanted and had a good chance of getting? They went with a former employee. Enough said.

Been thinking more and more about moving elsewhere. I brought it up with FH last night. We’ve talked about it before, and this summer even went as far as to visit a town that’s two hours from NYC, just to get a sense of what life would be like. It’s always been in the plans, but not so much in our immediate plans.

However a few things have changed. For one, we bought a car. Secondly, in April FH lost his biggest client. The client that essentially paid our rent. This was also a client who he needed to visit more than once a week. With them out of the picture, FH could (in theory, anyway) get all his work done one day a week. If we lived elsewhere, he could drive down to NYC once a week to work. Or, we could all visit on the weekends, which would solve another problem: separation of the baby and grandparents.

This is sounding more and more like it could be doable. It’s still all hinging on me finding a job. But, with the cost of living outside of NYC so much lower, I don’t have that much pressure to find a top-paying job.

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that this is the path we are supposed to take. I am a little weary of the fact that FH has never lived outside of Brooklyn before. I’d be taking him away from his family and friends. (I lived in upstate New York for four years when I attended college.) There is a slight chance that a move would put a strain on our relationship. But he’s willing to take that chancewith me. And he has such an open and laid-back personality that I don’t see it being a problem.

 Let’s find that job!

Figuring it all out

I’ve got another seven days at this job then I’m unemployed once more. And once more, I’m back to trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. For a career. My post-college career has been 100% accounting. And quite frankly, I hate it. I hate that it doesn’t mean anything bigger. I hate that all I do is stare at a computer all day and enter data into various programs.

But I can’t commit to anything else. It’s hard enough right now just finding a job. Finding something I’ll actually enjoy is nearly impossible. I’m back to thinking about the teaching thing again. I even went as far as looking up courses at a local college. Courses towards a degree in childhood education. It would be a second Bachelors. But of course I missed the application deadline (by months) and won’t be able to go until Spring 2011. Who knows what I’ll be up to then?

I also think about the state of the education system and I wonder if going back to school and getting this degree will be worth it. I probably won’t be able to find a teaching job anyway. Earlier this year I attended an information session for a teaching fellows program. If accepted, I would teach while taking classes towards a masters in education. It seemed like a perfect solution. Until I attended the information session and learned that a plethora of teachers were laid off last year. The program was only looking for individuals interested in teaching special education (the one area lacking teachers), and even if you were accepted and completed the summer intensive training, there was no guarantee of placement.

I’ve become disillusioned with the entire board of education. It’s bad enough that I will have to deal with this system once my baby starts attending school. I don’t think I can also work for a system that is so bureaucratic.

I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it out. Sometimes (actually, most times) I think that maybe if I moved elsewhere I’d be better off. The problem is that my FH’s career is rooted in NYC. The only way we’d be able to move would be if I found a job that could support us until he is able to build up a reputation and find new clients. Which is not an idea that’s terribly far-fetched. Now if only that dream job would make itself known.

Working Mom

I’m into my third week at this temporary five-week job. While I’m working 9-5 four days a week, FH has been home with the baby. Yes, my darling fake husband is also a stay-at-home dad. It’s just about the cutest thing ever. The situation could not be more ideal. His work is done at client’s homes and offices, on his own time. He can go after normal business hours or on weekends, or he can take the baby with him, since he’s only working for an hour at a time. His clients all love the baby, so he’s able to hand him off (thank goodness our child is a very calm little person, who loves just about everyone) and get his work done.

So far, he’s a much better SAHD than I was a SAHM. He gets chores done, he cooks, he cleans. I am not good with free time. I work much, much better under a deadline, so if I have one thing to do and the whole day to do it, I’ll spend the whole day procrastinating and get it done at the end of the day. The reversal of traditional gender roles is really working for us. I feel lucky.

I am a breastfeeding mom, and have been pumping my milk while at work, twice a day. So far its been working out but I’m concerned that the baby may not be getting enough breastmilk. There is not definite amount of breastmilk that a baby needs. It all depends on the individual. I have been reading the forums and all the moms seem to feed their children more breastmilk than I do. I pump about 10 ounces at work, which FH feeds him in the morning then at lunch. Then I come home and breastfeed him in the afternoon, in the evening before bed and again when he wakes up in the early morning (around 4am), It seems like it’s enough. He’s also getting a lot of solids. He’s growing and developing normally so I shouldn’t be too worried. However, we picked up a can of organic formula this weekend, just to be on the safe side.

Now if only I can find a job that lasts longer than 5 weeks.

Friends, not forever.

I’m going to try my hardest to keep this blog private, and out of view of my RL friends and family. Hopefully I can avoid having to create a new blog every time something happens that I feel I can’t express on my blog because of the people who read it.

So I abandoned my previous blog because of a lost friendship. I didn’t bother to close it or explain that I wouldn’t be writing there anymore. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. I’m still trying to figure out what happened with the friendship. Here goes:

Ex-friend and I were very close. She was one of my confidants. She was the major influence behind me quitting my job and taking some time off to see the world. It still is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I shared everything with her. For a while, our lives mirrored each other. We were both single, both searching for more. Her more came in the form of creativity; she’s been writing, painting, photographing.

My more came in the form of FH. Well, not him per say, but love and coupledom, and eventually creation of a new life. I think that my pregnancy signified the beginning of the end of our friendship. It was minor at first. The fact that she didn’t help with the planning and execution of my baby shower. The fact that at first I wanted her in the delivery room, to be my doula but never asked her, because I got the sense that it wasn’t something she’d be 100% committed to. She was there immediately after the birth, and she was the doting aunt to my baby.

And then she stopped sharing her life with me. She started ignoring my phone calls, and my emails. When she finally got in touch with me (via email), she said that it all started with a comment I made. She said that she told me that she was depressed and I laughed it off and told her that she needed to get laid. I don’t remember this conversation, but I don’t deny that that could have happened. I told her so. I told her that she should have called me out on it instead of cutting me off completely for months.

That was the last correspondence I got from her. I wrote her back, waited a week then wrote her again. I asked to meet up in person. I wanted to talk things out face to face. In the last email I told her that if I didn’t hear from her in a week, I would assume that it was over.

And so at the end of the week I deleted her from my Facebook friend list and stopped writing in the blog she reads. Because it’s not fair to share my life with someone who won’t share anything back.

That’s the gist of the story. Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe the fact that she doesn’t ever want a family or stability made us such opposites that we just couldn’t relate to each other anymore. Maybe she goes through periods of self-renewal quicker than most, and I was just not the type of person she needed in her life anymore.

It’s all good. I’m not angry. But I still think about her. I’m not at peace with the entire situation just yet, but I’m getting there.

Birthday/Mom-day weekend

Interview on Friday went very well. In fact, I’ve gone from not caring to hoping that I get an offer. It is a temp-to-perm position, which is the norm these days, at least in my world. Anyway, I won’t write too much about it, not yet at least. Fingers crossed!

The weekend was excellent. My Fake Husband’s birthday was on Saturday. He’s going to be known as FH, since we’re not legally married, but he’s more than a boyfriend or baby daddy. I planned a surprise wine tasting trip to Long Island wine country (We live in an outer-borough of NYC) followed by dinner and drinks at home. One of our friends in a Thai chef, and she offered to cook. In the end, we didn’t go on the trip, because of time constraints. But the party was a major success. The food was awesome, and FH had a great time celebrating his birthday with his closest friends.

On Sunday we drove over to FH’s brother’s house for brunch with his family. It was a relaxing day, which is exactly what I wanted after running around the day before getting everything ready for FH’s birthday dinner. And now it’s 12:30am and I have to be up at 6am. Good night!!

PS: My son officially started crawling today! (He’s seven months.) Best mother’s day present ever!