Short wait in Hong Kong before connecting to Bangkok. I left my baby behind. It was relatively painless. He’s in good, capable hands.
I bought a manual pump to take on the trip so that I can keep up my breast milk supply. I can’t save it, because of the long flight, and because we’ll be moving around a lot in Thailand. It’s such a waste pouring good milk down the drain. I pumped in the airplane bathroom. Felt bad b/c it took a while, and when I came out, the line was really long. Well, I had no choice. It’s not like there’s a pumping station on the plane.
There were several infants on board and for an instant I felt guilty for not taking Z along. That guilt went away when I heard the screams. I would not be able to handle my child screaming like that. He’s better off with my overprotective mom.

Flight’s boarding!

The hunt

I’ve been actively looking for a job. My timing is shitty, with the economy being what it is. No one is hiring, and the ones who are can be and are very selective. I’m not even pretending that I can come even close to the salary I was making before. Plus my resume is weird. I have been meeting with lots of recruiters, but it’s all the same story. “The job market is just tough right now, but we’ll let you know!”

To top it off, S is not having a good month. There was a major issue at one of his biggest clients. So, we are just watching the bills pile up, hoping that something works out for either of us.

At this point, we are putting groceries on credit cards, and its not by choice. I should be worried, and some days it gets me down. But I can’t help but be happy. It’s just enough to know that we have each other. My little nuclear family is healthy and safe, and at the end of the day, that’s what matters to me.

I read a book, Notes on Cooking. It’s not a cook book, just short bullet points giving tips and techniques. (Another happy side effect of not having disposable income: rediscovering the library.) One of the points that stuck with me: “Revel in the mundane.” It was referring to the chores, like washing dishes or prepping vegetables. Doing these repetative tasks frees your mind. There isn’t much thinking involved in peeling potatoes, and you can let your mind wonder.

I’ve started applying this line of thinking to my life outside of the kitchen as well. Life isn’t always exciting or spontanous. But in those mundane moments, great things can happen.

Asparagus pee

I guess this is why there is no asparagus baby food sold in a jar. Pediatrician recommended that we give Z more veggies, as I’ve been feeding him more fruits. (This is b/c I’ve been making it myself, and fruits are just easier since there’s no cooking involved.) So I steamed some asparagus and put it in the chopper. At first he wasn’t thrilled by it, and I even had to mix the last few bites with apple sauce. But I think it was more because it was warm, and he’s used to food being room temperature, because he ate up the second serving and wanted more.
And now, we know exactly when he’s peed in his diaper because the smell is so, so strong. He’s getting changed a lot more frequently today!

Fifth month

5th month check-up today.
Weight: 16 1/2 pounds (75th percentile)
Height: 27 1/2 inches (90th percentile)

Pediatrician was impressed with his sitting and grasping skills. Afterward, we took the subway into the city and visited the two grandmothers at work. They were very pleased to be able to show off the grand-baby to their co-workers.

At the moment Z is sticking his big toe in his mouth and sucking it like a thumb. And it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

My sleeper

One day Z decided that he wouldn’t bother his mommy during the night anymore. He decided that he would go to sleep at 10 and not wake up until the sun came up. At first I thought we’d have to train him to do such a thing. S and I read 12 hours sleep by 12 weeks old. In it they talk about taking it step by step, gradually decreasing the amount you give him at nighttime feedings, while increasing the amount of time he does between feedings. It made sense.

But before we could even try out the techniques outlined in the book, Z skipped ahead of us and started sleeping through the night with no prompting from us. At this point, all we do is put him in his crib around 10, kiss him goodnight, turn on the mobile and night light, and walk away.

And this is how it has been with everything. He’s a perfectly content baby, only unhappy when he’s got a dirty diaper or needs to be fed. This has allowed S and I to regain a somewhat active social life. We can take him with us anywhere, because he doesn’t get fussy. He’s also just as calm at his grandparents houses, so we get to leave him when we are going to have a late night out.

The post in which I air my dirty laundry

I’m a little lost. And a few things need to happen before I can find myself again.

I need to move out of this goddamn neighborhood.

I need to be closer to my friends and the people who matter to me. Because having only one person at your side day in and day out breeds resentment. I can feel it brewing underneath the surface. It comes out subtly, in conversation and actions. No one should have to be my everything.

The incident, it wasn’t anything much. At the very least didn’t warrant my strong reaction. But I can feel what’s going on under the surface.

He did something without telling me. Because I was asleep. When I asked why he didn’t wake me up, he said it was because he thought I’d stop him.

And the honest truth is, I don’t know if I would have or not. I don’t know if I’ve gone so far away from my self, the person I want to be and thought I was, that I now openly prevent others from doing the things they want to do. Have I really become that controlling?

More importantly, he sees me as that controlling. And therein lies the underlying issue.

So, moving. Because I need it to be easier to see my friends and family. I need perspective.

Also, finding a job. Becoming more financially independent. God, I need my independence back.