Freedom

So much for attempting to write daily. My four day weekend happened and I was much too busy to blog about the things making me busy. I’m at work at the moment, with nothing to do. My last day at this temp job is tomorrow and honestly, I’m happy for the time off. More than anything, I value my freedom.

This past weekend FH and I drove three hours north, to my old college town, home of a former college roomate and dear friend. She has a daughter who is three weeks younger than my son. At some point driving up I looked over to FH and to my son napping in the back seat and said, “I love our life together.”

And I really do. We are so fortunate to have found each other. We are not the same people, by far. But we balance each other out, and we share a passion for living life. We don’t have the money to spend on lavish vacations but we are able to take small trips and to make the most of all that New York City has to offer.

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Been also thinking about work. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to get another temporary gig. That way I could earn a bit, then have time off after it’s over. In doing so I can get exposure to other industries, which could be a step closer to figuring out what I want to do with myself. When I grow up.

Friends, not forever.

I’m going to try my hardest to keep this blog private, and out of view of my RL friends and family. Hopefully I can avoid having to create a new blog every time something happens that I feel I can’t express on my blog because of the people who read it.

So I abandoned my previous blog because of a lost friendship. I didn’t bother to close it or explain that I wouldn’t be writing there anymore. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. I’m still trying to figure out what happened with the friendship. Here goes:

Ex-friend and I were very close. She was one of my confidants. She was the major influence behind me quitting my job and taking some time off to see the world. It still is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I shared everything with her. For a while, our lives mirrored each other. We were both single, both searching for more. Her more came in the form of creativity; she’s been writing, painting, photographing.

My more came in the form of FH. Well, not him per say, but love and coupledom, and eventually creation of a new life. I think that my pregnancy signified the beginning of the end of our friendship. It was minor at first. The fact that she didn’t help with the planning and execution of my baby shower. The fact that at first I wanted her in the delivery room, to be my doula but never asked her, because I got the sense that it wasn’t something she’d be 100% committed to. She was there immediately after the birth, and she was the doting aunt to my baby.

And then she stopped sharing her life with me. She started ignoring my phone calls, and my emails. When she finally got in touch with me (via email), she said that it all started with a comment I made. She said that she told me that she was depressed and I laughed it off and told her that she needed to get laid. I don’t remember this conversation, but I don’t deny that that could have happened. I told her so. I told her that she should have called me out on it instead of cutting me off completely for months.

That was the last correspondence I got from her. I wrote her back, waited a week then wrote her again. I asked to meet up in person. I wanted to talk things out face to face. In the last email I told her that if I didn’t hear from her in a week, I would assume that it was over.

And so at the end of the week I deleted her from my Facebook friend list and stopped writing in the blog she reads. Because it’s not fair to share my life with someone who won’t share anything back.

That’s the gist of the story. Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe the fact that she doesn’t ever want a family or stability made us such opposites that we just couldn’t relate to each other anymore. Maybe she goes through periods of self-renewal quicker than most, and I was just not the type of person she needed in her life anymore.

It’s all good. I’m not angry. But I still think about her. I’m not at peace with the entire situation just yet, but I’m getting there.

Friendship lost

In the process of reclaiming this blog. That is, giving Baby Z his own space on the internet so that I can get back to writing about me. It’s tricky right now because we’re having computer issues. Stay tuned for his big blog reveal!

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I have been going though a friendship breakup. I went through the classic signs.
Denial: Just because my life is different now does not mean I can’t still have the same friends! Friendships are not meant to end. Maybe we are just entering another phase of our friendship.  
Anger: Yeh, the phase where I call and call and get no response.That’s really fair!
Bargaining: Maybe if I just wait it out. She’ll come around.
Doubt: What did I do? What did I not do? Why won’t she call?
And finally acceptance came when I finally allowed myself to be in control again. Waiting around for someone’s friendship is just as bad as pining away for the captain of the football team. At some point you pull your head out of the clouds and deal with the fact that friendships, like relationships, need nurturing, and two people who are equally committed to making it work.

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complement your life.”

Energy! Libido!

Oof. It’s been a while. I’ve started four blog posts since my last update but always end up saving them as draft. Sometimes the urge to write hits and the words flow beautifully. That urge hasn’t presented itself lately.

Nonetheless, there is much to say.

• I’m in my second trimester, and life is back to normal. I no longer get mood swings, and I have energy to spare. And! My libido is back! S is quite pleased about this.
• I have decided not to renew my contract at work. I put a lot of thought into this, and there are just too many negative factors involved with me staying. The only positive is the paycheck, which I admit, is a big positive. However, the reasons I left this job a year ago are still valid. If I don’t move forward with my career goals now, I will find myself stuck doing something that I hate for longer than I’d care to.
• Along those lines, I have also decided not to “announce” my pregnancy at work. The two co-workers closest to me know, and there is really no reason for anyone else to know. After I leave (again), I won’t be keeping in touch with anyone else here. It’s fun hiding my bump. It’s not outrageous as yet, so scarfs and shawls have been doing the trick.
• I’ve been taking advantage of my new found energy. I spent the weekend at happy hour (albeit sober), celebrating two birthdays, watching a baseball game at the newly constructed Citifield in Queens and walking through Flushing Meadow park with a few girlfriends.
• We have picked out a name for Peanut. We are keeping it under wraps for now, to avoid the usual negative opinions that are bound to come from all sides. I sometimes wish we could wait a little longer before naming the kid, at least until his personality starts to show. That way we can tell if he’s a Bob or a Storm.
• On Sunday I rode the train with a toddler who did not want to sit in her stroller and wasn’t afraid to let it known. She threw a tantrum, screaming her head off, taking off her sneakers and throwing them across the train, all the while the mother calmly ignored her. Yikes. I don’t know what I would do in that situation. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Foiled!

On Wednesday S’s hairdresser (barber?) noticed my belly. That’s two in one week.
I’ve gotta say, I don’t look that pregnant today though. I don’t feel pregnant either. I think it’s the second trimester kicking in. I feel normal.

Making another lame attempt to reclaim my social life. I’m going to my regular Friday happy hour destination, my Cheers, where everyone knows my name. I haven’t been since last year. Hopefully they still remember my name.

My last lame attempt:
Last Saturday I made plans to go out with a girlfriend. S went off to work, then a concert, then realized that my wallet (read: money, driver’s license, credit cards) was in his jacket pocket. So there I am stuck in Brooklyn.
Undeterred, I remember that my metrocard was not in the wallet. Aha, I can still travel! And since alcohol is a no-no, I don’t actually need any cash or credit cards. And I have my passport! Wahoo!
I get dressed, and dolled up and was quite pleased with the results. Tight jeans, high heeled knee high black boots, a red halter top with an empire waist that minimized my belly while showcasing my newly ample bosom. I was ready.
I walked to the subway station and swipe my metrocard and swiped only to get the following message:

Insufficient funds

Curses! My monthly metrocard chose that day to expire. Still determined, I walked all the way back to the apartment (did I mention it was also raining?) to find eight quarters.

Then I realized that it just wasn’t meant to happen. I’m all for creating your own destiny and paving your own path. But I also know that sometimes you have to give in, and let the universe have its way. So I settled in for the night, watched Made of Honor, and waited for S to come home bearing french fries and the promise of a massage.