The dream

At the moment I’m meant to be experimenting with writing consciously. Writing with specific subject matter in mind, writing with a purpose. The way they taught you to do it in junior high. But I suppose one more stream of consciousness post won’t hurt.

Baby is asleep, will be waking up from his daily two hour nap any moment now. I am supposed to use this time diligently, but I ended up wasting it on the usual internet crap. i.e. Facebook, Hulu. I am still without a job. But I’d like to think that I’ve gone further mentally. I’ve at least thought about what I want my future to look like.

I spoke with the head of the education department at a local college. I toyed with the idea of getting a masters degree in middle school math. I more that toyed with it. The only thing stopping me at this time is (1) MONEY, (2) a few undergrad math classes. I am 10 credits short from completing the prerequisite math requirement for the masters program. The irony is that I have already completed the most difficult class: Calculus. Three classes in Math will be a breeze. If the nice people at FAFSA would loan me the funds, I’ll be taking those classes in the Fall. And quite possible start the Masters program in the Spring. I am waiting.

In the meanwhile, we are poor. I have to figure out a way to stop our credit card balance from increasing every month. This burden is keeping me from fully embracing going back to school. It’s hard to even think about taking out student loans when you are already in debt. Perhaps I should think more like an American. Isn’t debt the American way? I should think of it as an investment.

By the way, the thing that mainly draws me to teaching, besides the rewarding experience of actually teaching? Summers off. My family and I can spend summers backpacking. My baby will have awesome “How I spent my summer” essays to read in front of the class.

This dream pushes me forward.

Moving on up?

So that job I interviewed for, the one I wanted and had a good chance of getting? They went with a former employee. Enough said.

Been thinking more and more about moving elsewhere. I brought it up with FH last night. We’ve talked about it before, and this summer even went as far as to visit a town that’s two hours from NYC, just to get a sense of what life would be like. It’s always been in the plans, but not so much in our immediate plans.

However a few things have changed. For one, we bought a car. Secondly, in April FH lost his biggest client. The client that essentially paid our rent. This was also a client who he needed to visit more than once a week. With them out of the picture, FH could (in theory, anyway) get all his work done one day a week. If we lived elsewhere, he could drive down to NYC once a week to work. Or, we could all visit on the weekends, which would solve another problem: separation of the baby and grandparents.

This is sounding more and more like it could be doable. It’s still all hinging on me finding a job. But, with the cost of living outside of NYC so much lower, I don’t have that much pressure to find a top-paying job.

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that this is the path we are supposed to take. I am a little weary of the fact that FH has never lived outside of Brooklyn before. I’d be taking him away from his family and friends. (I lived in upstate New York for four years when I attended college.) There is a slight chance that a move would put a strain on our relationship. But he’s willing to take that chancewith me. And he has such an open and laid-back personality that I don’t see it being a problem.

 Let’s find that job!

Figuring it all out

I’ve got another seven days at this job then I’m unemployed once more. And once more, I’m back to trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. For a career. My post-college career has been 100% accounting. And quite frankly, I hate it. I hate that it doesn’t mean anything bigger. I hate that all I do is stare at a computer all day and enter data into various programs.

But I can’t commit to anything else. It’s hard enough right now just finding a job. Finding something I’ll actually enjoy is nearly impossible. I’m back to thinking about the teaching thing again. I even went as far as looking up courses at a local college. Courses towards a degree in childhood education. It would be a second Bachelors. But of course I missed the application deadline (by months) and won’t be able to go until Spring 2011. Who knows what I’ll be up to then?

I also think about the state of the education system and I wonder if going back to school and getting this degree will be worth it. I probably won’t be able to find a teaching job anyway. Earlier this year I attended an information session for a teaching fellows program. If accepted, I would teach while taking classes towards a masters in education. It seemed like a perfect solution. Until I attended the information session and learned that a plethora of teachers were laid off last year. The program was only looking for individuals interested in teaching special education (the one area lacking teachers), and even if you were accepted and completed the summer intensive training, there was no guarantee of placement.

I’ve become disillusioned with the entire board of education. It’s bad enough that I will have to deal with this system once my baby starts attending school. I don’t think I can also work for a system that is so bureaucratic.

I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it out. Sometimes (actually, most times) I think that maybe if I moved elsewhere I’d be better off. The problem is that my FH’s career is rooted in NYC. The only way we’d be able to move would be if I found a job that could support us until he is able to build up a reputation and find new clients. Which is not an idea that’s terribly far-fetched. Now if only that dream job would make itself known.