I need to write

I need to write, I need to write, and I can’t write at my previous blog. I terminated a friendship and I’d rather not have her know what’s going on in my circle. I’ll write about that later.

I need to write because I am job hunting. And I need to clear my head, which is what blogging does for me. It gets the thoughts out so that I can concentrate on what matters, like that interview I have in a few hours.

Right now I am temping at an internationally renound publication. It’s a 5 week gig, so I am also interviewing during lunch, meeting with recruiters after work and such. The interview I have is with a huge corporation, very well-known and in the news recently for not so good reasons. However, the area I’d be working in is apparently doing well. It’s an area I know well, having worked in that world previously. It’s an area I’d ideally like to leave in my past, but now is not the time for idealism. Bills are piling up, and I have a kid that needs clean diapers and organic fruits and vegetables.

I don’t have the luxury of choice. The economy is sinking. But if I were dreaming, I’d prefer to work in an area faaaaar away from the area I have the most experience in. But I’m not going to get those types of job offers. Not now at least. The hope is a job, any job, with health insurance benefits and decent hours. What I will not compromise on is my work/life balance. I will not again work 50-60 hours a week, year-round. My family comes first. This does not change.

Back in the USSA

S and I came back to NY this weekend and have both been really sick. S has it the worse since he’s got body aches. He slept all day yesterday. Thankfully, Z hasn’t caught it (yet.) I’d really hate for this first bout of sickness to be this horrible virus we brought back from Thailand. S has been staying away from him and I’ve been trying to have as little contact with him as possible. Luckily he’s ok playing on the playmat by himself. Been washing my hands a lot. I’m breastfeeding, and hopefully the immunities will help stave off the virus.

His week with my mom and dad went very well. We were able to use Skype to video conference with them a few times, and that was great. It’s amazing to me that a phone call from the US to Thailand costs more than video conferencing (free w/ our hotel’s wifi connection.) Z is now sitting up all by himself, and is getting on his hands and knees. He’s still wobbly and not really moving yet but it’s definitely a milestone!

Thailand was damn awesome. I’ll write more about my trip when my head isn’t so foggy.

Short wait in Hong Kong before connecting to Bangkok. I left my baby behind. It was relatively painless. He’s in good, capable hands.
I bought a manual pump to take on the trip so that I can keep up my breast milk supply. I can’t save it, because of the long flight, and because we’ll be moving around a lot in Thailand. It’s such a waste pouring good milk down the drain. I pumped in the airplane bathroom. Felt bad b/c it took a while, and when I came out, the line was really long. Well, I had no choice. It’s not like there’s a pumping station on the plane.
There were several infants on board and for an instant I felt guilty for not taking Z along. That guilt went away when I heard the screams. I would not be able to handle my child screaming like that. He’s better off with my overprotective mom.

Flight’s boarding!

Weight

The heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into new heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness? – Milan Kundera

S left for Thailand this morning and I feel like I’m missing something. That’s the only way to describe it. It’s strrange not being able to communicate with him. Even when we are apart, we are constantly texting and calling each other. I miss sending him silly texts about the trivial stuff. At the moment he’s been in the air for seven hours, and will be for another 10. I knew I’d miss him, but I didn’t think it would be this extensive. I thought baby Z would be a distracttion. But there’s no distraction from the fact that our little family is missing a major component.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being talks about choosing a life of lightness or weight. There used to be a time when I didn’t know which direction I wanted my life to go. I felt truly weightless a few years ago, when I left it all behind and fit everything I needed in a backpack. Now, I am weighed down. The responsibilities, the bills, the car, the relationship, the kid. These are all welcome burdens. I feel connected.

Maybe that will change. Nothing is infinite. We are continuously reincarnating ourselves, changing directions, changing plans. But right now, in this moment, I am so grateful for this burden.

When the parents are away…

My mom is taking care of my child for a week and I am scared. Not for his safety, I’m 100% sure he’s going to be in one piece when we return. I’m afraid he’s going to be a whiny brat when she gives him back.
The thing is, we have been lucky and have the least fussy baby in the universe. He doesn’t need constant attention, and only gets a little pouty when he’s hungry. As long as this baby is well fed, he’s perfect. We have been nurturing this by letting him play by himself. I put him in his exer-saucer and walk away, or sit him on the floor (propped up by his boppy so he doesn’t fall over) and out his toys in front of him. We put him to bed while he’s still awake and let him self-soothe, and fall asleep on his own. We take him everywhere. He’s been to dinner, to happy hour at bars, he’s been held by random strangers, he’s even been to one of his father’s rock shows. I fully understand that you can not do this with 99% of the babies out there. I am aware of how easy we have it, how lucky we are.

My mother can not leave my child alone for more than 2 minutes. She is constantly holding him. If someone else (like my dad) is holding him, she can go about 10 minutes before she takes him back. She hovers. She is constantly trying to entertain him. She puts him to sleep in her arms. No amount of reasoning with her is working. She smiles and nods, but does not follow through. So I’m worried that all the training that S and I have put in will be lost during the week we are not around him. They say that it takes 3 days to make a habit. What will seven days do?

I hope that at some point (by the second day or so) my mom will realize that she needs to shower and has to put him down. She’ll realize that, right?

The hunt

I’ve been actively looking for a job. My timing is shitty, with the economy being what it is. No one is hiring, and the ones who are can be and are very selective. I’m not even pretending that I can come even close to the salary I was making before. Plus my resume is weird. I have been meeting with lots of recruiters, but it’s all the same story. “The job market is just tough right now, but we’ll let you know!”

To top it off, S is not having a good month. There was a major issue at one of his biggest clients. So, we are just watching the bills pile up, hoping that something works out for either of us.

At this point, we are putting groceries on credit cards, and its not by choice. I should be worried, and some days it gets me down. But I can’t help but be happy. It’s just enough to know that we have each other. My little nuclear family is healthy and safe, and at the end of the day, that’s what matters to me.

I read a book, Notes on Cooking. It’s not a cook book, just short bullet points giving tips and techniques. (Another happy side effect of not having disposable income: rediscovering the library.) One of the points that stuck with me: “Revel in the mundane.” It was referring to the chores, like washing dishes or prepping vegetables. Doing these repetative tasks frees your mind. There isn’t much thinking involved in peeling potatoes, and you can let your mind wonder.

I’ve started applying this line of thinking to my life outside of the kitchen as well. Life isn’t always exciting or spontanous. But in those mundane moments, great things can happen.

Friendship lost

In the process of reclaiming this blog. That is, giving Baby Z his own space on the internet so that I can get back to writing about me. It’s tricky right now because we’re having computer issues. Stay tuned for his big blog reveal!

====================================================

I have been going though a friendship breakup. I went through the classic signs.
Denial: Just because my life is different now does not mean I can’t still have the same friends! Friendships are not meant to end. Maybe we are just entering another phase of our friendship.  
Anger: Yeh, the phase where I call and call and get no response.That’s really fair!
Bargaining: Maybe if I just wait it out. She’ll come around.
Doubt: What did I do? What did I not do? Why won’t she call?
And finally acceptance came when I finally allowed myself to be in control again. Waiting around for someone’s friendship is just as bad as pining away for the captain of the football team. At some point you pull your head out of the clouds and deal with the fact that friendships, like relationships, need nurturing, and two people who are equally committed to making it work.

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complement your life.”

Asparagus pee

I guess this is why there is no asparagus baby food sold in a jar. Pediatrician recommended that we give Z more veggies, as I’ve been feeding him more fruits. (This is b/c I’ve been making it myself, and fruits are just easier since there’s no cooking involved.) So I steamed some asparagus and put it in the chopper. At first he wasn’t thrilled by it, and I even had to mix the last few bites with apple sauce. But I think it was more because it was warm, and he’s used to food being room temperature, because he ate up the second serving and wanted more.
And now, we know exactly when he’s peed in his diaper because the smell is so, so strong. He’s getting changed a lot more frequently today!

Fifth month

5th month check-up today.
Weight: 16 1/2 pounds (75th percentile)
Height: 27 1/2 inches (90th percentile)

Pediatrician was impressed with his sitting and grasping skills. Afterward, we took the subway into the city and visited the two grandmothers at work. They were very pleased to be able to show off the grand-baby to their co-workers.

At the moment Z is sticking his big toe in his mouth and sucking it like a thumb. And it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

5 months

Having a child forces you (well, me at least) to think of your own mortality. You welcome this responsibility, and want to be there to guide them through the milestones of life. I’ve never been a person who takes risks, but now I think even more about the dangers of life, and about how it can all come to an end. Just. Like. That. I drive more cautiously, and think quite often about worst case scenarios, no matter how remote.
So, S and I are going to Thailand in April for a friend’s wedding. He leaves a few days before I do. My mom is all set (and excited) to watch Z for the week. We come back on the same flight. I naturally think about what would happen if something happened to us on the flight back.
Ah, but even that possibility is too much for me to dwell on. Although the thought of my son growing up without his parents upsets me more that the thought of me dying.
Anyway, there is a lot that goes into leaving your 6 month old child for a week. He’s eating solids now, but his primary nutrition still comes from breastmilk. I have to ensure that I have pumped enough to last the seven days, and also that my supply doesn’t go down from not breastfeeding for those 7 days. I plan on purchasing a manual pump and hope that I am able to pump regularly while in Thailand. I don’t plan on keeping the milk, since it’s probably going to go bad during the 22 hour journey back to the US. It’s going to be such a waste of superb breastmilk.
I also have to mentally prepare myself for the separation. Right now, I have no clue how I’m getting on that plane without my son. (And no, bringing him wasn’t a feasible possibility.) I have one month to work on the separation anxiety.
=========================================
In other news, Z is knocking those milestones right out of the park. He’s a great eater, and, luckily, seems to prefer savory to sweet. He’ll eat butternut squash with glee, but makes faces when I try to feed him pear. He’s sitting up on his own, and interacts with his toys. He loves hitting objects with his hands. It’s a joy to watch him hit the keys on his toy piano, xylophone and drums.  S’s passion is music, and Z is going to play at least one instrument. At least.
Now that the weather is warmer, we have been taking more walks, particularly to the local library branches. My passion is books, and Z will have a library card as soon as he says his first word. Which will be mama. Or papa.
We are lovingly pushing our agendas on Z. If nothing else, he will be a well rounded child.