Friends, not forever.

I’m going to try my hardest to keep this blog private, and out of view of my RL friends and family. Hopefully I can avoid having to create a new blog every time something happens that I feel I can’t express on my blog because of the people who read it.

So I abandoned my previous blog because of a lost friendship. I didn’t bother to close it or explain that I wouldn’t be writing there anymore. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. I’m still trying to figure out what happened with the friendship. Here goes:

Ex-friend and I were very close. She was one of my confidants. She was the major influence behind me quitting my job and taking some time off to see the world. It still is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I shared everything with her. For a while, our lives mirrored each other. We were both single, both searching for more. Her more came in the form of creativity; she’s been writing, painting, photographing.

My more came in the form of FH. Well, not him per say, but love and coupledom, and eventually creation of a new life. I think that my pregnancy signified the beginning of the end of our friendship. It was minor at first. The fact that she didn’t help with the planning and execution of my baby shower. The fact that at first I wanted her in the delivery room, to be my doula but never asked her, because I got the sense that it wasn’t something she’d be 100% committed to. She was there immediately after the birth, and she was the doting aunt to my baby.

And then she stopped sharing her life with me. She started ignoring my phone calls, and my emails. When she finally got in touch with me (via email), she said that it all started with a comment I made. She said that she told me that she was depressed and I laughed it off and told her that she needed to get laid. I don’t remember this conversation, but I don’t deny that that could have happened. I told her so. I told her that she should have called me out on it instead of cutting me off completely for months.

That was the last correspondence I got from her. I wrote her back, waited a week then wrote her again. I asked to meet up in person. I wanted to talk things out face to face. In the last email I told her that if I didn’t hear from her in a week, I would assume that it was over.

And so at the end of the week I deleted her from my Facebook friend list and stopped writing in the blog she reads. Because it’s not fair to share my life with someone who won’t share anything back.

That’s the gist of the story. Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe the fact that she doesn’t ever want a family or stability made us such opposites that we just couldn’t relate to each other anymore. Maybe she goes through periods of self-renewal quicker than most, and I was just not the type of person she needed in her life anymore.

It’s all good. I’m not angry. But I still think about her. I’m not at peace with the entire situation just yet, but I’m getting there.